I made the choice at 17 to 'not' abort my daughter and
further to keep her and raise her myself. Because of that decision, my father turned
away from me and refused to help me in any way. He gave me the ultimatum that he would
help me turn my life around if I gave up my child. I refused. I spent those years
searching for someone to take my father's place.
I rebelled in my search for love and acceptance and found some temporary fixes in
drugs and sex. I accepted sex as a substitute for the love I needed from my father.
Since he lived in Florida and we in NC, there was little contact that warranted
"quality time." Usually, there was conflict between he and my mother. His wife
didn't allow him to speak to my mother so they relayed their messages through me
(age 13) including cussing and yelling at each other.
I have accepted the past as it is and know that it can't be changed. I have forgiven
my parents for their inability to give the things a growing teenager needed from parents.
They did the best they could do with the knowledge they had. True, they were the adults and
were the responsible ones. But as long as I harbor that unforgiveness in my heart and not free them
of my expectations, I remain a slave to my resentments of them.
Today what I struggle the most with is the lessons I didn't learn in my teenage years
and as a result of the dysfunction I have had to learn them as an adult. It is
embarrassing when I'm confronted with things I should have conquered in my young adulthood
that I am just now learning. And that's hard to accept.
Another of my biggest struggles is conquering obesity. During the years of using sex
as a substitute for love, I encountered relationships that only resulted in more pain
for which I used food as my substance to numb that pain. I reasoned that if I eat and
get fat, no one would want me and I wouldn't have to continue to deal with the losses
again and again. That didn't work either.
Eventually, I came in to the rooms of "Recovery" and learned of a condition called
"Codependency" that can be arrested "One Day at a Time." The results of my
dysfunctional upbringing are now being conquered and changed by using the tools of
recovery and my renewed and growing relationship with my Higher Power whom I call
"God."
Although I still have struggles in my life, I know that help is only a phone call or
a prayer away if I use the tools of recovery that are available to me.
Written: 6/12/2005
By: Cindi H.
Lincolnton, NC
